The Winged Descend Upon Canadia
by Jace'sAngel
Summary: Everybody goes vacationing in "Canadia" and hilarity ensues. Lots of OC's. Possible fluff. Pairings: Jace/Clary, Fang/Max, Alec/Magnus. Co-written by Shay Is A Beast. Yeah, we can spell Canada. But the use of the term "Canadia" will be explained.


**A/N: **This is the craziest, most random story you will ever read. Just FYI. :D

Co-Written by Shay Is A Beast

**Disclaimer:** All characters from the Mortal Instruments belong to Cassandra Clare, all characters from Maximum Ride belong to James Patterson, and any quotes or characters from Phoenix Fanatic and/or St. Fang of Boredom belong to them. (Don't sue me!) However, all OC's belong to Shay and I (Except for Farquar. He is actually the confiscated toy penguin of a friend of ours) :D

* * *

Chapter 1

Jace POV

"Jace, I'm telling you, it doesn't work that way."

"Of course it does, Clary! The concept is quite clear: you stick the thing in, push, and all the stuff comes out the end. Duh." Obviously, as gorgeous as my girlfriend of a year was, she knew _nothing_ about jelly-filled donuts.

"And I suppose you've seen it done?" the red-head asked, with a raised eyebrow accentuating her point.

"Again, of course, Clare-Bear. Izzy does it all the time." I replied, actually uttering the horrifically fluffy nickname without so much as a single facial twitch. Got to keep up my badass impression even while annoying her to death, you know.

"Don't call me that in public!" Clary half yelled, "That's Iz you're talking about, Jace. She can't be doing it right, or even correctly."

"True. She really is an awful cook." I agreed with a grimace, thinking of the funnel cake she had once attempted to prepare.

We were standing below the neon sign of a Canadian Krispy Kreme, gazing curiously at the jelly filled donuts in the window. I knew Clary wasn't sure how the jelly got into the donuts, but she was [wrongly] certain it wasn't injected through a needle-like contraption.

When we had found the opportunity to escape Alec and Magnus's obsessive mall-search for pink sequined skinny jeans, we had eluded the two shopaholics in favor of a nice, fancy meal on the grungy streets of Canadia. That was how the donut topic came up.

Both of us had submerged ourselves in hazy contemplation, me about how I wished I could end the donut argument by kissing her, and she about the damn jelly-filling process, so we hardly noticed the sleek, black limousine until it pulled up right next to us. Suddenly, out popped Usher and an eight-year-old girl with a weird haircut. Clary and I exchanged a stupefied glance as the odd pair stepped onto the curb, the little girl spontaneously breaking into Justin Bieber's "Baby," complete with corny, pseudo-Michael Jackson dance moves. I struggled not to throw up and/or jump up and run.

That was when I realized that the pre-pubescent female in front of us was actually a boy old enough to drive, minus the horrendous zits that usually plagued teens his age. It was actually Justin Bieber.

That's when I really started running.

Clary followed me after overcoming her momentary shock. "Jace!" she shouted to me. "Come back! I know you hate him, but maybe he can help us find out how the jelly gets in the donuts!" I kept on running. Who gives a crap about jelly donuts, my eardrums were going to burst!

"Ask him yourself! I have a feeling that if I come within eight feet of that kid, my body will revert back to how it was before puberty. And then, I'll never be able to grow a mustache!" I shouted, almost doubling over with disgust and apprehension.

Clary's jaw dropped to the pavement. "If you grow a mustache, I'll kill you!"

I almost shouted "Yeah, right! You'd think it was hot!" But I was too out of breath to reply.

* * *

Alec POV

While shopping with Izzy is not only an antagonizing, mind-boggling task, I don't actually have to experience the trauma of matching accessories first-hand. But shopping with Magnus is far more excruciating.

Let's just say my flauntingly gay boyfriend has an _eccentric_ taste in clothing. As of now, he was in search of the perfect pair of matching sequined pink skinny jean for the two of us.

"Let's go in that store," Magnus pointed to a small women's new-fashion boutique. In the window stood a mannequin wearing the flashiest pair of pink skinnies I had ever seen, topped with a red v-neck blouse and a purple checkered fedora. "I need those jeans!"

I nodded in agreement. _He_ did need those jeans. _I_, on the other hand, did not. The whole _world_ didn't need to know I was gay. Magnus could wear what he wanted, but –

"They have purple hair dye!" Magnus exclaimed as he dragged me through the door. He practically skipped to the rear of the small boutique and snatched up a large purple bottle. Then he made his way to the rack of sparkling pink skinny jeans and grabbed two pair. One he thrust into my hands, and the other he kept for himself. "Try these on," he ordered, pushing me into a fitting room stall.

Unfortunately, I knew that I would never get out of there without at least trying on the jeans. So, off went my own black skinnies, and on went the ostentatious pink pants.

I exited the fitting room to seek Magnus's approval, and found him attempting to flirt his way to a good deal on the purple fedora from the girl running the check-out. He was failing miserably.

"Magnus," I asked, "what do you think – "

"They're amazing!" He nodded approvingly. "Now, should I get this hat, or the blue pin-striped one?" He held up both fedoras for me to inspect. The purple one was definitely more his style, so I pointed, and he purchased, along with the bottle of purple hair dye and both pairs of sequined jeans. _Even though_ we were still wearing them.

He then dragged me back out of the store, having stowed the fedora in a small emerald green hatbox.

"Now," he stretched the word dramatically, "We need some Diet Coke with Bacon."

"Diet Coke with Bacon?" I asked uncertainly. Diet Coke, I like. Bacon, I like. But Diet Coke _With_ Bacon?

"Yes," Magnus nodded. "Diet Coke with Bacon." He steered us to a small gas station and proceeded to the drink section. Then he froze. "They don't have any!"

I knew he would end up scolding the store owner if I didn't do something.

"Look," I searched for something that could avert his attention from the non-existent Coke. "There's… Bakon Vodka!" It was the only thing I could see that mentioned Bacon.

Oh, wait. Vodka.

Too late. "I've never had Bakon Vodka before," Magnus held up a bottle. "Let's try it."

He bought the bottle with no questions asked, and popped the cork. "To pink skinny jeans and eternal love," he toasted, and then took the first sip. "Oh, ew!" he exclaimed, "It tastes horrible! Here, try some."

He handed me the bottle. It smelled as bad as it looked, but I took a sip anyways. It burned! "That's some god-awful stuff," I spluttered. And then I took another sip, just to see if it really was still that bad.

It was. My throat ached from the searing liquid.

"Gimme," Magnus ordered, and he gulped down another drink of the abhorrent beverage. "You're absolutely right," he concluded. "I never should have bought that stuff."

"You got that right," I took another sip of the vodka. "Jeez, who invented this crap?"

"I don't know," Magnus upturned the bottle over his mouth, and Bacon flavored vodka ran down his chin. He wiped it away, and together we drank until there was hardly any Vodka left. Then we made our way back to the place where Jace and Clary had ditched us, in front of the King of Canadia Grocery.

I don't remember much of what was said or done in the minutes we linked arms and skipped down the Canadian streets, the purple hair dye and the Bakon Vodka occupying either of Magnus's hands. I'm not even sure if I _want_ to remember.

And that's when I spotted Jace running down the street.

* * *

Clary POV

I continued to run after Jace, but the layout of the Canadian streets was confusing. I ended up right back where I had started, with Jace nowhere to be found. I suspected he had opened a portal and gone to visit Saint, Fang, Spiffy and Pooky. He had gotten to know them when he participated as Iggy's lawyer in the second case to force Fang to pay Justin (the illegitimate child, not the singer)'s child support.

I turned to Justin Bieber, who had continued to dance badly through the whole exchange. "You suck. You made my boyfriend run away." I accused.

Stopping his incessant wailing about his first love when he couldn't hit Ludacris's low notes, he cast his eyes toward the ground. "Yeah, everyone hates me. They think I sing like a girl."

_You do_, I thought.

"So that's why I've been cutting myself lately." He rolled up his sleeves to show me his scars, shaped like smiley faces, unicorns, and objects that looked suspiciously like pieces of bacon.

"Maybe you should take up shrub art. You know, where you trim hedges too make them look like stuff." I suggested.

His face visibly brightened. "Hey, great idea!!! I'm gonna go try that!" he whooped and disappeared in a puff of smoke that wasn't quite yellow; alas, it was more saffron-colored. It smelled as if hand sanitizer had been dumped in the street. Pungent hand sanitizer.

Glancing around, I shrugged. I had no idea where Usher went, and I sure wasn't going back to help Alec and Magnus find the perfect fuchsia jeans, so I decided to go inside the Krispy Kreme to buy some jelly filled donuts. I hoped that I'd never see the little bush-trimming freak again.

Inside, there was only one other person contemplating the purchase of unhealthy little pastries made of fluffy, sweet heaven: a girl about my age with light chestnut hair messily pulled back into a longish braid, dressed in a baggy royal blue hoodie, black skinny jeans, and navy blue converse. She looked tense and her hands were jammed in her pockets. The teenage boy running the cash-register looked obviously uncomfortable too, and he kept glancing at her with a rejected expression on his face.

I walked right up to him and addressed my problem. "How do you get the jelly into the jelly donuts?" I commanded an answer.

"Uh, um," he stuttered; I'd surprised him. Oh, well. "Well, there's, uh, a thing that you, ah, fill with jelly – or cream filling or whatever – and it, um, pokes a hole in the side of the donut and, er, injects the filling."

The girl behind us let out a short laugh. "And, uh, that actually, ah, works?" She imitated him. "I, um, think I, er, know what I want to order now. I'll have a box of four jelly donuts, one glazed, and one with sprinkles."

She turned to me and extended a hand. "Hey. I'm Max."

I smiled and shook her hand. "Clary. Nice to meet you." Then I turned to the cash-register boy, whose nametag read _Freidrick. _"I'll have a box of six jelly donuts, please."

Freidrick nodded and quickly rang up our orders.

"So," I asked Max, "Are you here on vacation?"

She nodded, "My boyfriend and I are visiting some friends."

"Same here," I couldn't help grinning, "Jace and I were outside together a while ago, but then Justin Bieber drove up in a limo and started singing, so my boyfriend left."

Max let out another of her short laughs, "Nice. My boyfriend ditched me here so he could run and grab something from the local grocery store. I'm supposed to get a flavor we can both eat, but I don't even know what kind he likes."

We both laughed. "Boys," I shook my head, and we laughed again.

* * *

Jace POV

I streaked across sidewalks, between innocent tourists, and at one point I was forced to not-so-gracefully leap over a kid and his pet platypus. Anything to rid my presence of the horrendous Justin Bieber.

"No way!" I slowed down at the sound of Alec's voice nearby in front of me. "You have to use it! It's purple hair dye _with_ sparkles!"

_Oh, great_, I thought. _Just great_. Purple hair dye… wow. Oh, excuse me, _sparkly_ purple hair dye.

And then Alec and Magnus were right there in front of me, and Magnus was holding a purple bottle in one hand, and a bottle of _Bakon Vodka_ in the other.

They were both drunk! Great.

"Hey, Jace!" Alec shouted, a goofy grin spreading over his face. "Where have you been?" He glanced around and stumbled forwards, "And where's Clary?"

"Clary was held up by Justin Bieber." I admitted with a shudder. "We were over by the – "

"OH!" Alec swung around, knocking the purple bottle out of Magnus's Hands, "We should have gone down towards the donut shop and looked at stores over there for more pants!"

Magnus, much quieter in his drunken stupor, nodded enthusiastically.

They were both turning to face me, when the airborne bottle of purple hair dye hit me in the side of the head.

"Ow," I reached up, "Alec – " My hair felt wet. I brought my hand back down in front of me, and it was _covered_ in purple hair dye.

The bottle had burst open when it hit me.

"Alec!" My hair was purple! _Sparkly_ purple! "Does this wash out?!"

"Uhh," he frowned in thought. "It would say on the bottle."

"It lasts for a week." Magnus informed me.

I almost screamed. But I'm too manly for that.

But, oh shit! My hair was going to be purple for a week!

"Damn it!" I yelled at them. "My hair!"

Alec giggled. He actually giggled. "You know who you sound like?" He asked

"Isabelle." Magnus concluded.

I frantically tried to yank the dye out with my fingers, but it was no use, my hair would stay purple. Oh, excuse me, _sparkly_ purple.

* * *

Fang POV

Bacon. I needed Bacon.

I jogged through the King of Canadia Grocery in search of Bacon, but so far I was having no luck. Since when does _Canadia_ have a Bacon shortage? It just couldn't be possible!

I read the signs hanging over each isle. Pasta? No. Salsa? No. Produce? No. Meats?

Yes! My sneakers skidded against the floor as I made a sharp turn into the isle, only to be confronted by my worst nightmare (other than if Miley Cyrus were to take over the world).

Justin Bieber was standing right in front of the shelf of Bacon.

And reaching for the last package!

"No!" I shouted, sprinting forwards to rip the package out of his feminine hands.

But I tripped over a pile of cans that some idiot employee had just dumped in my path and went sprawling. I landed with my fingers just inches away from Justin Bieber's high-top sneakers. He turned to walk away, not even noticing the fact that I had been just about to kill him for walking away with _my _Bacon.

"Get back here with my Bacon!" I shouted, jumping to my feet.

Justin Bieber turned on his toes, took one look at me, and ran screaming like a little girl. _Still carrying my Bacon!_

"Ahhh!!" I ran after him, and he didn't even bother to pay for the Bacon, he just shot right out of the store.

I had almost caught up with him and ripped my package of Bacon out of his scrawny clutches, but out of nowhere, a screaming horde of fangirls blocked my path.

"Get out of the way!" I shouted, but none of them even bothered to glance in my direction.

"Ugh!" I looked around… and spotted a giant penguin sitting on a blue scooter with _Farquar_ printed across the side of it in bright pink cursive a few paces away. A definite blow to my masculinity, but it would have to do. I knew the penguin, too, was frozen in awe of the tween-queen, Ms. Bieber, so I just pushed him off of the scooter and jumped on to the seat. "Sorry!" I shouted, "I need to borrow this!"

The penguin made a loud squawking noise as it attempted to get up.

I took off on the scooter and made my way past the mob of fangirls. Justin Bieber had a huge lead, but I was catching up bit by bit on the scooter. A group of law enforcement officers had began holding back the fangirls, and that helped a lot with my poor navigating skills.

Until I glanced back and realized that the giant penguin was now chasing after me. It was squawking and tripping over its own feet as it stumbled towards me.

I sped up the scooter and was right on Bieber's heels, when, out of nowhere, a kid walking a platypus was blocking my path.

I swerved desperately to avoid them, but I lost control of the scooter and flew off.

* * *

Max POV

"So, where are you headed?" Clary asked me as we stepped out of the Krispy Kreme.

"Probably over to the King of Canadia Grocery, where my boyfriend is supposed to be," I replied. _Where he's probably buying Bacon by the truckload and flirting with cute cashiers. Oh, well._

"Cool." Clary answered. She pulled a jelly donut out of her box and took a bite. "Mmm," she nodded appreciatively. "Jace and I were arguing earlier about how they get the jelly in the jelly donuts. I guess he won."

For once, I was able to joke with a complete stranger. Weird, I know, that the great Maximum Ride would lower her guard enough to be friendly, but Clary was nicer than most.

I too got myself a donut, the glazed one, and took a bite. Gosh, Krispy Kreme could kick Dunkin Donuts ass any day.

We made it to the intersection two blocks away from the King of Canadia, when I saw something I never thought I'd see in my life. A sparkly purple-haired boy was arguing with a man in sequined fuchsia skinny jeans in the middle of the street. Another boy wearing a matching pair of eye-catching jeans watched them with an expression of drunken stupor on his face.

Clary gasped. "Jace?!" she called to them. She was so astonished by what she saw that she almost dropped her box of donuts. I caught it for her as she sprinted towards the odd group. I followed her, wondering how in the world she knew those freaks.

The boy with the sparkly purple hair turned to face her and grimaced. Was _that _her boyfriend?

"Clary – " he started, wincing as he ran a hand through his, ah, may I say _extravagant_ hair. I guess he _was_ her boyfriend.

"Why the hell did you do that to you hair?!" Clary shrieked at him. "You look like… like… " she struggled to find a suitable adjective for the eccentric fashion choice.

"Magnus?" the boy offered with a sheepish grin.

Clary scowled and slapped him. "Yes! Now explain to me right now how this happened." She thought for a second, "And also, why are Alec and Magnus drunk?"

Jace opened his mouth to reply, but a piercing shriek followed by more shouts and some squawking interrupted him.

Everyone turned to see Justin Bieber running right at us, holding a package of Bacon. He was followed by a dark haired teenage boy on a scooter, who looked slightly familiar – and _pissed_. The scooter read _Farquar _across the span of the side, in pink cursive. The boy on the scooter was followed by a giant penguin, who was the one belting out ear-piercing squawks.

"Not him again!" Jace groaned. He tried to get away, but Clary held him in place.

Just then the scooter swerved to avoid running over a redheaded kid walking a platypus – a platypus! In Canadia! What next? – and the boy flew off, tackling Justin Bieber in mid air.

None of us must have noticed that the chase was happening so close, until the dark-haired boy tackled the now screeching Justin Bieber right into Jace and Clary. The force knocked them into me, and the two boxes of donuts broke open and we were all covered with jelly.

The squawking penguin then proceeded to retrieve the crashed scooter and drive off into the sunset.

Having been unceremoniously smashed to the ground, I was at the bottom of the mass of bodies. And Fang was right on top of me.

"How did you get here?" I knew my eyes must be bugging out of my head by now.

"Bieber stole my Bacon, so I had to jack a scooter and come after him." No wonder I had recognized the dark-haired boy on the scooter.

"Right." He helped me up, catching Justin Bieber in a headlock right after, so that he couldn't get away.

"Bacon. Now." Fang demanded.

Justin whimpered, obviously too weak to compare with my ass-kicking boyfriend, and handed over the package of King of Canadia Bacon.

"Wait a second." Clary pointed a finger in his face. "You told me you were going to start a career id shrub art. Liar! What did you need Fang's Bacon for?"

"I'm sorry," The tween-queen turn shrub artist's face flushed. "It's just… I needed some inspiration! My first shrub sculpture is going to be Bacon-shaped!"

Then he disappeared in a cloud of periwinkle smoke that smelled of suntan lotion and denture cream. Ew.

Fang retrieved his Bacon and grinned up at me, my favorite smile lighting his face. "Well, that was interesting." Then he noticed Clary and her purple-haired boyfriend. "Who are you?"

"Clary," Clary offered a hand. "And this is my boyfriend Jace." Jace attempted the badass-nod, but failed due to his lack of masculinity in the hair department.

Fang shook Clary's hand, "Fang." He turned to me, "So, no donuts?" He didn't question the fact that I knew them, or that Jace's hair was purple, or that we were still covered in jelly.

I pointed to his jelly-covered shirt, "Oh, there's donuts all right."

"True," he smirked.

* * *

Jace POV

I seriously couldn't believe my luck. First Justin Bieber, then purple hair, then Justin Bieber again, and now I was covered in jelly donuts!

"So what was up with the penguin?" I asked.

"I had to jack it's scooter to get after Bieber." Fang answered.

"What was up with the _Farquar_ on the side of the scooter?" Max, Clary's friend, asked.

"Maybe that's its name?" Clary herself provided.

Max laughed, "Wait, let me get this straight. You jacked a blue scooter from a penguin named Farquar so that you could chase after Justin Bieber and your stolen Bacon, but you crashed and got jelly donuts dumped on everyone because you almost ran over a platypus."

We all glanced at each other, and then burst out in the most synchronized bout of laughter I've ever been included in.

* * *

**A/N:** Review, review, review! You know you want to! *wink, wink* ;)

The next chapter will be posted when either A) Shay and I finish writing it, or B) You guys give us at least five reviews.

xoxo :D

- Jace's Angel


End file.
